Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh...

      We just returned from a vacation to McCall, ID.  It was far too short considering how long... long... LOOOOONG the traveling days were, but it was nonetheless fantastic.  McCall is where my mother used to vacation in the summer as a child and she wanted to combine burying my grandmother's ashes with a second chance at life celebration for my dad.  A lot of painful chapters are... well, not really closing, but maybe becoming more tolerable for her and it was time to mark these great life changes somehow.  So she, my dad, the 6 of us and 7 of her cousins made our way back to McCall.
     It was like a fairy tale.  The weather was perfect.  It was chilly in the morning and hot in the afternoon and cool in the evening.  We could be outside all day, walking, hiking, jogging, swimming, boating, kayaking.  We did all of those.  The kids were in heaven.  There was so much to explore and the older two especially LOVED the boat.  They even got the chance to drive it.  The adults were in heaven.  The scenery was breathtakingly beautiful.  We spent each day looking at a sparking clear lake with tall pines surrounding it and mountains in the background.  It was a much-needed respite for our spirits.
     I'll admit that I have not yet been very good about taking some quiet time each morning.  Either I forget or I am so exhausted by the trip that I stumble out of bed sometime after I hear the older three attempting to broil Cheerios (ha ha, not really... I would never allow my children to be that unsupervised... though I really am NOT sure how they get the 2-year-old out of her crib... I once asked and they demonstrated pulling her out head first by her arms...).  But being on the trip with the kids and everyone relaxing and enjoying new experiences together did just reinforce in my mind that we may not be on the path as a family that is meant for us.  Cryptic, I know.  I just mean that I am not certain that the traditional school-activity-homework-sleep-repeat hamster wheel is what we want.
   But for now, it is entirely too late and time for bed and tomorrow is another day to ponder the shape this family will take.

Try, try again

     My last post (less than a year ago!) bemoaned how busy life had become.  It's interesting that tonight has held many of those same thoughts.  I am giving myself a free pass for not having done much about it yet.  In the last 12 months, we've had a new baby, four hospitalizations in our immediate family, another emergency room visit, a move to a new house and my dad had a heart transplant.  That would make anyone's head spin, right?
     Now that the baby is almost one (how did THAT happen??) and my dad is doing so very well and we are moved (not so much moved in, but moved), I am starting to feel like my feet are on the ground again.  Look at that big boy over there.  Soon he will turn seven.  It is speeding by at a dizzying rate.  I have spent seven years trying to find my parenting footing, then being uprooted over and over and over by new additions to the family.  It's time to stop.  Focus.  Enjoy this time.  I am not so naive as to believe that I will "love every minute."  Having 4 young kids is hard.  I some part of every day exhausted, frustrated and feeling stretched way too far.  On the other hand, I would not for any possible thing in the world change this amazing family, these amazing kids.  I look at them, so eager to be with Mommy, so anxious to share their lives, their play, their thoughts with me.  I know that soon enough that will all change and I am determined not to let as many of the carpe diem moments slip by.  I hope to post here more regularly and hope even more to be able to document some change.  I plan to make one small change a week for... some number of weeks and see where it leads us.  I am hoping for more purposeful time with my children.  I am hoping to slow down and enjoy.  I am hoping to give them memories of a Mommy who was present and relaxed rather than distracted and busy.
     For now my one small change will be to take some quiet time each morning to focus on what is important and how I want the day to go.  Ok.  Let's go.