Spring Evening

Here are some shots of the kids during a recent evening outdoors.

One Thing Leads to Another

Our neighborhood finally voted to approve an itty bitty miniscule increase in homeowners association fees in order to have curbside recycling. Hooray! Though we did our best to recycle before, I'll admit that sometimes it was just easier to throw the bottle in the garbage than it was to separate it all out and lug it to the recycling center (where workers always found some fault with what we brought in and took GREAT offense to it). But now it's so easy and it feels really good to be cutting our garbage pile so drastically. We wondered how much more we could cut down by composting as well. So last weekend, we also bought a compost bin and cut the trash heap down even more. My goal is one garbage bag per week. We're not there yet, but I am determined.

Feeling green has a way of making you think about other ways to take care of the earth. Buying local leapt to mind. Last weekend was Mother's Day and I really wanted to go have breakfast at the best restaurant in town on Saturday morning. So we packed up the kids and headed out. 'Twas SO good. On the way there we noticed the Saturday farmer's market I've been wanting to visit since we moved here, but never have. After breakfast we headed over to the market. I'd just been to the grocery store, so I didn't buy any produce, but I couldn't resist the fresh eggs. We decided to make the trip to breakfast and the market on Saturday a weekly tradition. I cannot wait to add fresh local veggies and eggs to our menu.

And speaking of Mother's Day, it was wonderful. I got to sleep in, then my son brought me a card he'd written all by himself (mostly) and gave me a huge hug. His sister followed close behind, breaking into a huge grin when she saw mama and toddling over for a hug. My husband got me an iPhone for Mother's Day. It was completely unexpected and completely exciting. A wonderful day to celebrate the miracle of motherhood.

Physically exhausting, Physically rewarding

Parenting little children is a physical endeavor. I cannot really speak to parenting older children since my oldest is only 3, however I assume it will be more mental than physical. The demands on a young parent involve using your body to care for theirs. There are tushies to be wiped, dressing and undressing, bathing, kissing boo-boos, meals to be prepared and fed, clutter to be cleaned, beds to be changed, and the list goes on. A mother is responsible for all of her own physical needs and all of her childrens', plus the vast majority of their household duties since they are simply too small to pitch in. While there are certainly mental challenges (how do I handle THIS new behavior?), the physical challenges predominate. And so do the physical rewards.

Last night, Mother's Day, I went in to kiss my son goodnight after his daddy tucked him in. I laid next to him and he wrapped his small arms around me. I hugged him. I know every inch of his body and his sister's. They are as familiar to me as my own. I marveled at how different it feels to hold him now than it did two years ago. How different he is than my daughter. He is so lean and long now; the baby fat has all but disappeared. He seems all arms and legs. There is no hugging a squishy little form now. It's more like hugging a tree. He told me he liked the sound of my breathing; he asked to feel my heartbeat and then asked me to feel his. He asked for butterfly kisses and giggled when I "kissed" his forehead. The he asked to lie quietly next to me. I cannot think of a better way to end Mother's Day (or any other day). Even now I can see that these physical moments with him are becoming more and more seldom. Sooner than I would like, I will have to settle for a stolen hug here are there.

My daughter is in the throes of stranger anxiety. When someone she doesn't know well speaks to her or comes too near, she buries her head in my shoulder and clings to me for dear life. I'll admit it. I love this stage. It's a normal part of her development to realize who her family is and that they are safe and will care for her needs. Each and every time this happens, I remember how much time I spent being the scary stranger, wondering if I'd ever be the safe mommy. Not to mention that I get these wonderful cuddles, her body melting perfectly into my neck and shoulder.

There are most certainly days that I am beyond wiped out by the time everyone is tucked safely into bed (everyday, in fact). It is physically exhausting to change, prepare, clean up and carry all day long. But the reward for all of that work, the snuggles of your babies, ah... I will cherish these moments forever. And while there are moments in every day when I think, "I cannot WAIT until they are old enough to do this themselves," I also know that all too soon they WILL be able to do it themselves. My son said it best the other night. "But, I don't want to get big. I just want to be who I am."

Winds of Change

Well, apparently it's been a year. Wow. How time flies. I started this blog mostly to have a place to unload my thoughts about infertility. Even though I had my beautiful boy at the time, I still felt infertile. There were complications following his birth that made it unlikely I would conceive again. And that was on top of the issues we already had that made 5 cycles of IVF and 2 miscarriages necessary to conceive him. Though I was blissful to have even succeeded once, I was still very hurt by the thought of never having another child. For one, I was an only child and hated it. And secondly, I wanted to be able to decide when we were done, not have it decided for me. So even having succeeded once, I was angry about our infertility.

Now I have my two. My son and my daughter. My improbable perfect family. I am content. I cannot say that we are done trying (and I also cannot say that we'll ever try again), however I do know that I can live my life happily and peacefully regardless of whether more children are in our future. Infertility will always be part of the mother I am and the person I am. I will never forget how painful our journey was. But I also would not change it now that I know the outcome. I am no longer angry. Thus, I've not had much to say for the past year. Life has been chugging along at a chaotic, happy pace.

So instead of abandoning the blog, I've decided to take it in a bit of a different direction. From angry infertile to busy mom. I know that there are a billion and one mom blogs out there, but it's not as if more than two people will ever read mine and mostly I am writing as a way to keep my thoughts and memories about this time in our life as a family. I am trying to figure out if it is possible to password protect the blog. I will be posting pictures of the kids and also using their names, so I feel more comfortable having a password.

So, let's get this party started. A few pics from our recent trip to Toronto:

To kick things off:

Silly boy at the Toronto Bluejays game.

The kids riding a hippo at the zoo.

Lil' Miss excited about the zoo.