The D&C was one week ago today. My reaction to this whole thing is confusing for me. I thought I could never handle a miscarriage- that after all of the other crap we've been through, it'd do me in. So how is it that today, after 7 short days, I feel better than I have for weeks, maybe months? Though it makes little sense, losing the baby has sprung me into action. I have enrolled my son in music, Gymboree and swim classes. I have started pulling our house and lives together. I am more organized and that makes me feel better. I am sure that it seems like I am busying myself to hide from the pain and maybe I am. But these are all things that I've been wanting to do for a long time.
I've been paralyzed into inertia for so long and I don't really know why. Maybe it was the bad feeling I've had all along about this pregnancy. Maybe, like everything else in life, the fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself. And I know that my son has a lot to do with it. If we had no children when I lost this pregnancy, I am sure it would have crumpled me. I think that because I never felt good about this one, I never became attached to it. With my son, I rubbed my flat tummy and talked to him from the beginning. I never did that this time around. And now, I don't feel so much like I lost a potential child as time. I feel guilty even for not being more sad.
Don't get me wrong. It's not that everything is totally status quo. I belong to an online support group for IVF pregnancies and moms and I can't go back there. I have a friend due 4 weeks before I should have been and I don't want to see her. I don't want to hear about others' pregnancies. I don't want to congratulate them. I am bitter and it may be awhile before I can fight my way out of that. And it would not surprise me at all if one day with no warning, sadness crashed down on me. But for the moment, I am surprising even myself. I am happy. I am ok.
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