Too Dumb To Conceive?

I know such a thing doesn't exist. I mean just look at some of the people who get pregnant... over and over and over and... But, I have made a colossal parenting mistake. I have done the dumbest thing imaginable. And I am wondering if that's why this cycle failed (yes it did, thanks for asking). I am wondering if God in his infinite wisdom is sitting up there saying, "Oh for the love of pete. How can you expect me to give you another one when you can't manage to learn the number one rule of parenting after EIGHTEEN MONTHS? Come on, give me something to work with here."

I have woken the child and it is now nearly midnight and I am not in bed because I have been battling him over going back to sleep for the past hour. Every night, I go check on him before going to bed. I stand over his crib, watch his chest rise and fall, notice how long he is now, look at the way his hair spills over his face, admire his small hands relaxed on his sheets. Partly it is my time to reflect on what a blessing he is, how unimaginably strong my love for him is, how grateful I am. And partly it is a superstitious ritual... if I make sure he's breathing before I go to bed, I guarantee that he will still be breathing when I wake up. Anyway, on this particular night as soon as I opened the door, his head popped up. I quickly retreated, but dared not close the door. No crying, all was well. Here's where the stupid comes in. I went back up AGAIN to try to grab some diapers that were on his floor so I could toss them in the wash (oh yes, I cloth diaper... you have idea the depth of my ubermom-ness). Stupid. Sleep more important than laundry. So I am inching in his door along the floor, hand on the diapers when he looks up again. I hastily retreat AGAIN, loudly banging into every solid surface on the way out. Still, no crying. And, oh my god, if I didn't attempt AGAIN. I decided I really needed to shut his door so that C doesn't wake him up when he goes to work in the morning, so I went back, pulled the door shut, discovered that it really needs WD40, and that was the end of my luck. He started crying. That was an hour and a half ago, and here I still sit. I managed to wiggle out of his room by lying a quilt on the floor with some pillows under it, jetting out the door while he wasn't looking, then admonishing "Lie down!" and "Shhh!" from the door so he thinks I am still there. Either that, or he's sitting in his crib rolling his eyes wondering how dumb I think he is.

So we'll start a new cycle immediately. Another frozen transfer. I fully expect the RE to recommend the same protocol, an idea with which I fully disagree. Four cycles of the exact same thing with the exact same results is my limit. We do something new, or I find someone new. Hopefully in the meantime I can gain some sense... I'm sure that's all it'll take. I mean, look at Jamie Lynn.